Lately, I've been dwelling a lot on personal change. Change in my attitudes. Change in my diet. Change in my self-care routine. I've been focusing on it because I'm proud of myself; I'm being proactive, taking steps to improve my quality of life. Because isn't that what life is all about? Learning and growing and improving?
Well I realized something today: I've been approaching it wrong. Most, if not all, of these amazing changes I'm implementing in my life right now come out of a desire to not be who I was before. On the one hand, this is a good thing. I'm recognizing unhealthy habits that I want to change. I'm doing something about my dissatisfaction. But on the other hand, in doing all of this self-improvement, what I'm really trying to do is erase my past. Because the truth is, I'm mad at myself. And I don't want to admit it. I'm mad at old Greta. I'm really angry at her. I don't want to be her anymore, so I'm doing things to create Greta 2.0. But guess what? Old Greta will never go away. My past is as much a part of me as my present is, and no matter how many positive changes I make to my diet and shopping habits, nothing can change that. And that's okay. Self-improvement is not forgiveness. Change will not erase my past. Instead of focusing on changing those things about me that I don't like, I can try to accept those imperfections as part of me, and then move on from there. I am human; I make mistakes. Imperfection is what makes me who I am. It's time to forgive myself.
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